someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can Purell be used as lube?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
