I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
