God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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