What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
