Apparently you make a good broom.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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