Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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