We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
