this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
