Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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