strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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