I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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