I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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