laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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