Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
