Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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