Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
