Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
