I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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