glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
