neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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