I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
There are leaves in my underwear?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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