i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
