i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
