I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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