your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
