We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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