It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
