using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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