Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
