I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
