The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sext me about skeletons
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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