I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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