Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
