At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
