Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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