She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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