After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
