I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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