turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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