Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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