im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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