I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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