R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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