You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
