The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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