i may or may not be watching the land before time
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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