Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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