my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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