saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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