I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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