a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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