I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
