Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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