in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
