The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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