Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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