the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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