he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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